Decent Proposal After an Exam Letdown!

Last month's exam results were not what I hoped or particularly expected.  At the time of the ACCA exams in December 2009, I was 50/50 as to whether I'd passed either of them.  So obtaining 48 in Law and 47 in Financial Management (pass mark was 50) was disappointing and very annoying!  So close, yet so far...

With the holiday to Florida, my sister's wedding and my brother's first baby's birth all being in May (well, the latter's expected date!), I don't have time to revise for both again.  Thus, I shall only be re-taking Financial Management - and am determined to pass it at the second time of asking.  Third-time-lucky for the Law will have to wait til December, or even June 2011 if I run out of days off at work!

But on to happier news...

I am engaged.  Yes, he of "I'm never gonna get married as I don't want to get divorced" fame finally bit the bullet to make and honest woman of Phee.  I won't bother you with the sloppy details, but it was on her 21st birthday, in the Winter Gardens in Bournemouth with just a few squirrels as witnesses!  And I did get on one knee, albeit it after the actual proposal.  And I did get a ring, despite having very little money!  And Phee loves it, which is what counts...

As for the what's, when's, who's, hows and whys... there is so much to work out.  The provisional date, which had been set way before we got engaged, is the 29th December 2012... the next time my Nan's birthday falls on a Saturday, and is six days after the anniversary of when we first started dating.

Family are already expecting an Engagement Party... or two!  The likelihood is that we will have a gathering in Hull and in Devon for both sides of the family.  I shall no doubt arrange the Devon shindig, with maybe a small(ish) get together at the Three Tuns in Honiton, as I'm sure my Mum can get it cheap/free!  Of course, DJ RichieB will be spinning the (digital mp3-shaped) discs!

My best man, as if was ever in any doubt, is my best mate Gofer,  Phee's maid of honour is her best mate, Hannah.  I will probably stick with tradition and have some of my brothers as ushers and I know that Phee wants her sister, Tasha, and my niece, Alice, as her bridesmaids amongst others.  And no doubt my brother's unborn baby, code name Peanut, will be pageboy/flower girl!

We will not have a religious ceremony (unless it's satanic), nor will it be in a registry office (I want more atmosphere).  Current venues (which is likely to be in Surrey/Hampshire, where we live) are a decent hotel, a small castle type place or Nuthanger Farm!  Okay, given the latter is no doubt owned by people I don't actually know, it is highly unlikely... but I'd love to get married on/near Watership Down!

They are, I think, the only details that have vaguely been decided.  Any other questions can be forwarded to our official wedding planner, Julaloo!

MOving into MOvember!

Yes, mo-fans, Movember has officially begun.  And just because it's been all quiet on the blog front, does not mean I haven't been taking pictures to update you!  I have, in fact, just been ill and/or busy with Football Manager 2010.

Well, to start with, here I am pre-Movember.  Yes, I am aware I have a grin that looks like I prey on young girls (thanks for that comment, Ellie).  At this point, I decided that I'd grow a beard during the early stages of Movember, to avoid looking like a pubescent school-boy; I expected a good bum-fluff stage!

I have a shiny new(ish) razor by Wilkinson Sword, that also has a mini electric shaver on the other end.  It's battery powered and perfect for Mo grooming!

The first week of Movember has seen me sitting around at home more than work!  Two Mondays off (including today) and two days off sick with my asthma rearing it's ugly head.  It was probably just as well I missed yesterday's awesome Chawton Athletic win over high-flying Bluebell.

I missed the game as Phee and I popped up North for her little sister's birthday party.  We managed to slip a trip to Maysum in too, the North's best chinese.  MmMm all-you-can-eat buffet!

So, the Mo.  Day six was getting pretty prickly, as you can see.  Although, the bits down the side are getting a little irritating, so a change in design is imminent!  Will probably keep the little bit below the bottom lip, and a bit on the chin too... probably.

Panic Attack.

My favourite song by my favourite (one of them) bands, Dream Theater, is Panic Attack. How ironic, then, would it be to actually start suffering from them?

Ironic, maybe, but pretty bloody annoying.


Some of you will know that I have always been a very up and down person. I've never been properly diagnosed with any type of depression, but do consider myself a sufferer of it. What started out in my teens as shyness, soon turned to random bouts of depression when I left school. This was coupled by an almost over-whelming fear of rejection.


For the majority of the time I was fine, just very quiet. I've often been described as laconic... I don't speak unless I have something to say (then I talk incessantly!!). But when I started going up to Hull to stay with Sophie, things got worse...

I would get claustrophobic in the kind of places I'd usually be fine. Being surrounded by hordes of people I didn't know scared the living crap out of me. At my first "social function" as Sophie's beau, I actually felt sick. I had to go to the toilet to cool myself down, and barely spoke to anyone. I stuck out like a sore thumb... and that made me incredibly self-conscious.

This continued to happen at random. Both in Hull, Farnham (Sophie's Uni) and even in Devon. I'd never had a problem with the age gap in our relationship, but maybe I was still worried what others thought...


But things got worse in January this year. My best mate, Gofer, another friend from school, Baz, and I set up a huge party to celebrate our 30th birthdays (belated for Gofer and I!). Eighty guests in total, about eighty percent of which I knew. I was to perform a DJ set of rock/metal music at some point that night.

I was nervy from the start, but managed to talk to a few friends and family members. But the closer to my set it got, the worse I became. Then, five minutes before my time, it struck: PANIC!

I mumbled at Gofer that I couldn't do it, and fled to the stairwell. Where I stayed for all but the last half hour of the night, when I'd been coaxed back down to sit with my family. For most of the night, the only contact I had was with Sophie and Matt Feld, drummer extra-ordinaire of Sanguine. Between them, they made sure it wasn't a complete waste of my time being at my own party (thanks guys)!


The straw that broke the camel's back came three days later. Back at work, I went to the toilet, feeling a little ill. When the upset stomach continued, and some came into the Gents and asked how I was, it struck again: PANIC!

Needless to say, I swiftly went home and stayed there for three days. I went to the doctor, who referred me for psychiatric treatment (still waiting!!) and put me on tranquilisers. These didn't work, as I had another attack trying to visit my Mum in London.


Since then I have been on Cipralex, an SSRI-inhibiter anti-depressant. Things are looking back up. After a further two weeks off work (whilst the Cipralex took effect), I began to feel better. Since then I have been at work and on course consistently, visited friends and family back in Devon and managed to play football again up here.

I have also joined a website for depression and anxiety disorders, No More Panic. They have been very helpful in my recovery and offer a lot of good advice. My bosses at Wettone Matthews, have been incredibly supportive, and that has been key to my recovery.



But I do not kid myself.
I am feeling better because I am drugged up (albeit it on a reasonably low dosage). I still get the twinges of thought... the feeling it could all go wrong. But they never appear, because they are masked by medication. I still have to work hard to overcome the crux of the problem... and the shrink will hopefully help me out here! But I'm still waiting for them...

It most likely boils down to my early childhood, where I was shipped about a bit. Parents divorcing is hard on any kid, and I'm the sort of person that bottles things up. Clearly, it's come to a head. Depression also is in the genes...


I must work hard to overcome my fears. I can beat this. I can do anything when I put my mind to it...

Long Distance Relationships: Can They Work?

It's been said, that long distance relationships do not work. That view may be changing though, due to the rise of instant messengers and social networking sites, such as Facebook and MySpace.

I feel that I, more than most, can comment on this as I've had both good and bad long distance relationships. A lot depends on how you both feel, whether you are both willing to make the extra effort needed...


My current relationship started online. On occasion, usually late at night when I'm bored and am finding any excuse not to sleep, I frequent a chat site - lovingly referred to by it's users as shit-web. I would usually just sit there, offering random shards of wisdom and watching the roleplayers fight in their Final Fantasy kind of way! But I got talking to a girl who was already in a long distance relationship with a bloke she'd only ever met online. Her screenname I forget (she uses Phee mostly these days) and her name, as most of you know, is Sophie.

After a few months of sporadic chats, we exchanged MSN addresses and talked to each other on an almost daily basis. We would talk about how our days had been, what we enjoyed doing and, increasingly other more intimate subjects. This lead to the exchanging of mobile phone numbers and our daily instant messages became daily (nightly) phone calls. You can get to know someone fairly well without having met them... if they're being honest.

There is a growing trend on news sites and bulletins on TV whereby they constantly warn of the hazards of chat rooms and other internet based services. True, people must be vigilant as there are some strange people out there and bad things DO happen. But you never hear about the good things that can happen if done in a safe manner.

Just before the winter holidays, Sophie came down to Devon (from her home in a village just outside Hull) to stay with me for christmas. A lot of people thought it was strange/dangerous and, to an extent, there was an amount of risk attached to it. But it was worth it.

Since then we have spent six of the nine months we've been together with no less than 100 miles between us, as she has now started a university course in Surrey. Yet our relationship is far stronger than most others I know. We both love each other a great deal. We make sure the time we do spend together is spent wisely, doing things we both enjoy. We appreciate each other more!


So yes... they can work and they are becoming more common. With more and more of our lives being lived online, soon it'll be the only way to have a relationship!